I write the software for Geneffects and tend bar at the Cat's Cradle in Carrboro, NC.

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Open Mic Comedy at the Cave

My first stab at comedy when over pretty well. Super thanks to Karen, Candace, Elizabeth, Nathan and Leigh for being there. Thanks to Mike, Adam, Beth, Heidi and Jeff for missing my set but still showing up. Crazy thanks to Billy Sugarfix for kickin' in with the snare hits and the slide whistle. For those of you who missed it, this is essentially what I said:
Hey there, I'm Brian Risk. I'd like to thank the Cave for having me. I love coming to The Cave, and I appreciate that they have Sam Adams in a bottle, but don't you think it's about time they let him out?

I also like how the Cave has nice, down-to-earth clientele; unlike some of these "hipster" bars around town. Have you seen these commercials for Hipsters Gone Wild? It's these videos of girls at OCSC saying "whatever" and then lifting their black-rimmed glasses. You know what I'm taking about, Elizabeth.

There are a lot of different diets out there, but what's with all these dyslexics on the low crab diet?

speaking of bad jokes, I used to do this thing where you'd read with a kid who was having trouble in school. He wasn't really into it so I had us read some joke books. I'd read some jokes, he'd read some jokes and we'd both guess the punchlines. It was my turn and the joke was, "What would a ghost drink for breakfast?" What would a ghost drink for breakfast? the book said, "dehydrated milk." what this 9 YO said to "what would a ghost drink for breakfast" - 9 years old: "Booze." Which I thought was really cleaver and sad at the same time.

A couple of weeks ago I had to fly to attend my sister's graduation. I was at the airport and these metal rings on my belt set off the metal detector and the security officers come over and say they're going to search me. One of the guys was pretty cool and sez "sir, you may request a private area to be searched in." So I shrugged my shoulders and said, "I guess the ass?"

So at my sisters graduation and she graduated with a degree in architecture. We walked around checking out some of her fellow students projects and one was just awful. I mean hideous. I said, "Julie, who did that one? Frank lloyd wrong"

Anyone here write music on the computer? You may have heard of that sequencing program called "Reason". My ex-girlfriend was really into making electronica except instead of using Reason she used a knock-off geared more for women like her called "Insane Bitch"

And yeah, so we ended up breaking up and one night in a fit of depression she overdoses on her medication. Fortunately all she had were suppositories.

but she's fine now. I visited her in the hospital. She held my hand and said, "Brian, I'll never do that again... because you think getting your stomach pumped is unpleasant..."

Speaking of ass pumping, did you hear planned parenthood is recommending anal sex as sort of a last resort form of contraception? Yeah, their motto is that children are an even bigger pain in the ass.

Thank you! Buy my software! Buy Evil Wiener Records!


pinky said...

I really liked that Insane Bitch joke, which is odd considering that's probably the one that you'd think I'd like the least. But it really made me laugh at the time.

Thanks for showing up to the Cave that night. It made all the difference.

8:31 PM  
Beth said...

You're welcome, Brian. I can fail to show up on time for you whenever you need me to.

9:27 AM  

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