I write the software for Geneffects and tend bar at the Cat's Cradle in Carrboro, NC.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Canine defibrillation instructions: URGENT

I am a hopeless romantic who just can't get a break! Nikki is the girl I've been courting ever since I started working at StarNetworks out in RTP as a contracting admin. I was nervous working there at first, but soon I was getting along with everyone; Fitzgerald the loudmouth, Patrick the timid clerk; O'connell the always-on-edge copyrepairman, heck, even Simonson the tightlipped but heart-of-gold division manager... Jesus this is taking too long but I feel I have to give you the whole story so that you won't think I'm crazy or some sort of psycho. Okay. Dang! Nikki works as the receptionist and has developed the reputation as having a sassy come-back for every retort. I've been working at StarNet for about a year and the moment I walked through that glass door and (I'm such an idiot!) accidentally spilled my briefcase on her desk I was smitten! Crap. Okay okay to the point. So despite being super attractive, Nikki has not had any sign or mention of a boyfriend. I'm not too smooth with the ladies and every time I try to impress Nikki I just come across as a bumbling, stammering buffoon. All my best intentions always end up backfiring. Like that time I enrolled in a cooking class I heard Nikki was taking and ended up accidentally spilling chili powder in the soufflé she was going to enter in the contest or that time when I learned to rollerblade because she jogs then I end up getting caught in a st. bernard's leash and being pulled all around Lake Lynn before slamming into a septuagenarian couple! Oh man oh man this time though I think I've gone too far. Nikki's been complaining that her sink is broken and really stressing because her estranged mother is coming to visit but she hasn't had time to fix it so I thought I'd sneak into her apartment and fix it but she has this cute, but very feisty boxer she calls Rockwell (or Norm or Rocky) guarding her house. I thought maybe if I put a sleeping pill or two in a hot dog that would take care of my problems but of course nothing works out right for me and when I crawl in the doggydoor I see Rockwell there on the floor, flatlined. Seriously, please, I need to start Rocky's little doggy heart up again or Nikki will never speak to me again! No Rockwell! Don't you do this to me! Don't you leave me Rocky, you stupid dog!

Oh my God!

While I was yelling I was pounding Rocky on the chest out of frustration and in a vain attempt to resuscitate him, but then this half-eaten piece of hot dog shoots out of his mouth and Rocky starts to move! He waddles a bit then sits right up and licks my face! It's the first time Rockwell hasn't growled at my presence... He was just choking, my god.


Lance McCord said...

I was imagining this on Craig's List and laughing at the idea that someone would take 10 minutes to relate a backstory before getting around to asking "how do I bring back a dead dog? Is there like a 'window of opportunity,' or can I afford to spend some research time at the library?"

8:52 PM  

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