I write the software for Geneffects and tend bar at the Cat's Cradle in Carrboro, NC.

Thursday, August 26, 2004


As I was biking back I was thinking of some of the things about which we talked. Constructing one's-self and whatnot. Also thinking about the different persona we assume in the presence of different people. Sometimes these shards of personality are so different that shifting from one to another is as jarring as jumping from the pool to the hot-tub (or the other way around; whichever is worse). Around you I am a nice guy and, in general, fairly unconfident and searching. Around others I am hyper-confident and often a complete ass. For many I am a solid type-A, but for a select few I slip back to the B of my youth.

I have to think: for whose benefit do these shards exist? Are they the best way to communicate with these various others? Are they defense mechanisms? Do they exist because there are, in fact, several facets of myself and each of these needs to be expressed and I seek differing venues in which to express them? It gets to the point where you, I, don't really know who I am.

I doubt these shards facilitate communication. With only a very few people do I really get to the crux of my true meaning when I communicate. Maybe like two or three. Plus, I am only guessing that these people are understanding me based on how they are communicating with me and how I am interpreting their messages. Again, these moments are rare. After all, what is the purpose of communicating who you truly are? What can you hope to gain? You bank on some sort of personal growth at the risk of emotional vulnerability. No, most of the time the message I am communicating speaks nothing more than, "buy me."

I do believe that Senior Type-A is a result of early defense. He came out in elementary school, totally gave up in junior high and high school, then re-emerged in college. College was perfect for that sort of thing as not only does no one else know you, but they are all going though a similar flux in their personalities. Just about everyone wants to make a lot of friends and be popular so, initially at least, they are pretty accepting.

Then, as the years wore on and Monsieur Type-A was assumed more and more, he became that grotesque face you are warned will stick if you keep it up. Eventually it became difficult to pull of the mask or to even distinguish where it ended and I really began so married to my flesh it had become.

But dammit, what am I selling?

So that's all I really want to say for right now.


Lance McCord said...

My best guess is that the shards are there so that we can please others and be a good part of the group. I think this is what Kubrick's Eyes Wide Shut is all about, but I'm not all that sure.

4:35 PM  

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