Area Referee Concedes: Head Up Ass

LAURINBURG, NC In a recent lacrosse match between the St. Andrews Knights and Lees McCrae, local area referee Joseph Polowski conceded to claims that "his head was up his ass" during a game held at the St. Andrews lacrosse field. This revelation was prompted Tudesday, April 22 by lacrosse fan Fred Steinwell's frank inquiry, "Jesus ref, is you head up your ass?"

"In this business it is easy to develop a God complex," said Polowski. "Thank goodness there is always the level-headed objectiveness of the screaming crowd to keep me in check."

Polowski had just called a two-minute penalty against the St. Andrews Knights when he received the helpful commentary from Steinwell. "No matter what call I make, good or bad, the fans always say, 'oh my God ref, are you blind,' or 'my grandmother can make better call than that'," exclaimed Polowski. "Those kind of well thought, rational appeals really make me think."

Another revelation occurred when drunken Knights fan Harvey Linkletter picked an opposing team member's number, seemingly at random, and yelled, "hey 31, you throw like a girl!"

"I was shocked," said Billy Starr, offensive stickman for Lees McCrae. "I had no idea my throwing style was so effeminate." Later, the visibly shaken Starr added, "it's uncanny how he singled me out. When I heard my number called, I knew that message was specifically for me and no one else."

When questioned, Linkletter declined to comment, stating only, "what the fuck are you talkin' about?"

As for Polowski, his future plans are to, "try and keep my head out of my ass," as well as, "getting a life and to stop being such a mamma's boy."

 

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