So You Want to Be a Male Nude Model?
Hombre: Low on cash? Free daytime hours? No sense of shame? Perhaps the exciting and fruitful career of nude modeling is for you! "Shucks, I can sit still for minutes at a time! This'll be no sweat." Not so fast there, tenderwillow. Though the position may sound easy, there are eight (8) basic points you need to remember:
- Keep the poses simple - You may envision yourself as some sort of well toned Michelangelo sculpture with arms outstretched to the heavens, but keep in mind that you have to hold that angelic pose perfectly still for five (5) to twenty (20) minutes at a time. Think less of "The Genius of Victory" and more of "Man Stands Straight with Arms Crossed and Stares at Wall."
- Bring a towel or robe - If not, then your only option is to undress in front of the class. (Arriving nude is not allowed.) Suddenly a rote study of form becomes a lascivious strip-tease.
- Remember common courtesies - Avoid eye-contact when in a pose. These people have to study your every feature and it would be kind of creepy if every time they looked up you were glaring at them. Avoid jokes. Though you will think of them...a lot of them, they are best unspoken. Avoid thinking of Will Ferrell as you will, in the middle of grave silence save slight scratching of charcoal on paper, burst out laughing for apparently no reason.
- You can always refuse a requested pose - If you are, for any reason, uncomfortable with a pose that has been requested, a simple, "how about something else?" will usually diffuse the situation. "Bend over this pillow," may very well yield an interesting figure form, but to hell with that!
- You command respect - If ever some frat boy or girl is getting on your nerves, shoot them a look or, better, tell them to please be quiet. When you are naked you are intimidating and people will listen to you. If you have to fart, just do it. No one will dare to challenge your naked authority.
- You will not be in "top form" - It's like crossing a very high bridge. Stay focused, but for God's sake, don't look down! Any premonitory fear you may have about a sudden hard-on can be safely put to rest because, brother, no matter what the temperature is, your genitals will never be smaller.
- You have probably met these people before - It is entirely possible that, upon entering the class, someone will look familiar to you. Well into the session you are in a pose with your Tom Robbins pointed right at this guy; the teacher calls roll and you recognize his name as that asshole who rode your bus in junior high and who liked to call you a faggot. The most mature way to handle this is, when he looks up, lick your lips.
- You will probably meet these people again - You may not recognize them at first (see "common courtesies"), but they've devoted hours to studying your every feature and will spot you immediately. It will happen sooner than you think. That very same day, for example, when you are trying to serve drinks at the Who's Bad show, for example. Don't be alarmed when some girl named Beth blushingly asks if you were the model for her life drawing class. The most mature way to handle this is to say, "yes it was me," and politely mention that if she wants a private session your rate is twenty (20) dollars an hour.