I write the software for Geneffects and tend bar at the Cat's Cradle in Carrboro, NC.

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Gym Teacher Sex Scandal, Tennessee


The nation is reeling from reports of Pamela R. Turner, a gorgeous blonde 27-year-old gym teacher at Centertown Elementary School in McMinnville Tennessee, having sexual relations with her thirteen year old male student. A boy who, under normal circumstances, would normally only fantasize about having sex with his gorgeous blonde gym teacher.

"It is a travesty that a sexually mature, yet inexperienced boy be initiated into the world of carnal pleasures by a lasciviously rapacious young faculty member. This goes against the natural order of things which is that a young man's first sexual experience be with a terrified virgin under the ping-pong table in the basement rec-room," said Mr. Commanderson, school principal.

Dr. Morrison, a court-appointed psychologist said that, "the victim is suffering physical trauma as a result of multiple high-fives and extensive emotional damage resulting from his now impossibly high standards of beauty and sexual maturity in his future sex partners."

"It's not going to be an easy road for this brave young man," added Morrison.

The Centertown student body is doing their best to cope with the scandal. "All of us guys, we would joke about how cool it'd be to have sex with Ms. Turner," said one classmate. "But those were just jokes. We never imagined that something like this would actually happen. Now that it's a reality I... my whole world has turned upside down."

"It's shocking," says the victim's father, "it really is. If I could go back in time and bare this terrible burden for my son, I would. Oh why God? Why couldn't it have been me instead?"

Of course, the real issue lies in the emotional stress that can become of a domineering teacher emotionally controlling her student, but there are no laws governing emotionally controlling relationships, so all charges focus entirely on the sexual acts.

Turner faces more than 100 years of prison time if convicted.

Ms. Turner's lawyer says he will pursue the insanity defense. "Would a woman of right mind and this level of hotness have sex with her awkward, 13-year old student? It just doesn't make sense!"

Says Turner, "when I would suck [the victim] off in-between classes or when he was tapping me doggystyle after school, I could really sense the emotional damage I was causing, but I just couldn't stop! Oh lord, I need help."

When asked for comment, the victim, obviously in a state of shock, said, "OMG it was awesome! I mean... horrible? I'm like all damaged and stuff? Do I have to go to class?"

Read the for real story at CNN.


Anonymous said...

No one else had the cajones (Spanish for cajones) to leave a comment here but I do.

Wait a minute; that was a real sex scandal? I thought this was just an ill-advised spoof article. It turns out it's an ill-advised spoof article based on a real event. That changes everything.

First of all, shame on the 13 year old boy for taking advantage of a helpless 27 year old woman.

Secondly, you go BOY!

Turns out this woman is a former Ms. WCW or Ms. Nitro or something like that. However, unlike most of the pro wrestling mannequin chicks, this one is actually moderately attractive. Or perhaps I'm just retroactively reliving my 13th year vicariously through this admirable, dispicable young man. I don't recall a single positive thing happening to me when I was 13 years old; so I have trouble believing something like this could possibly have made my life worse.

In fact, age 13 bites for just about everyone. Maybe our society should give this a shot once in awhile just to see how it pans out. If it doesn't help that early teen ennui, then we could make it taboo again.

WHO'S WITH ME???!!!???




11:09 PM  
Anonymous said...

OMG, I just realized this is the woman from Weird Science. Does anyone have an email address for Woodward or Bernstein?


12:07 AM  
Anonymous said...

I agree with the fathers comment. Oh god why couldnt it have been me.

10:11 AM  
Anonymous said...

This is fake, come on, carnal pleasures? lol. But there are dozens of sex scandals going on in america between students and teachers. Its just showing the stupidity when its between a female teacher and a young boy how the press would react n stuff. In fact I think there was an "incedent" not to long ago in florida i think between a 20 something teacher and a 14y boy.

5:51 AM  

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