I write the software for Geneffects and tend bar at the Cat's Cradle in Carrboro, NC.

Sunday, February 06, 2005

Automatically Download TGP, Face the Consequences

During one of the many dry-spells in my life I wrote iMeMiner, a program which'll automatically download all the porn you could ever want. See, porn sites put up these pages of sample galleries of images or movies to get you incited to sign up with them. Then there are TGPs (Thumbnail Gallery Posts) which post huge collections of links to these free pages with short descriptions like "anal gallery" or "hot latina babes". iMeMiner goes to a TGP page and extracts all of those links. You click the ones you want downloaded then sit back and let the porn start poring in. (One cool thing about iMeMiner is it'll eventually figure out your preferences and let you sort the listed galleries so all the "naughty Hungarian teen" links come to the top - if you're into that sort of thing).

Well, due to me setting iMeMiner to download movie galleries and then accidentally leaving it going all night, I now have over a gigabyte of porn on my computer. That is not a small number. That is a very big number, and a pretty sound violation of one of my aught-five resolutions. I don't want to just delete it all, because that would seem wasteful. Who knows if the hottest porn clips ever lie somewhere in there, lurking, like a naughty Hungarian teen? Then again, going through it all is proving to be pretty tedious.

After viewing hundreds of porn clips, little patterns start to emerge. A couple of things really jumped out at me. More often than not anal sex is the final event. I guess this is because porn is fantasy and it 's not your typical girl that exclaims, "oh yeah! I love buttfucking! Especially DPs! And when you're done, could you come on my face?" What struck me as odd is that even porn stars have trouble saying "pussy." "Oh my god I can't wait for you to shove your huge, thick cock in my tight, wet pussy." It's just a weird word, but I suppose that's really the best euphemism we have. Consider the alternatives. If romance novelists wrote the dialogue you'd hear over the BWOW-chicka-chickka of funk bass, "come, my stallion, and with your gleaming manhood part the petals of my delicate woman-flower!" That would just be horrible.

If all alien anthropologists had to go on was our porn, they would have a totally skewed view of how we actually reproduce. With all the pull outs, condoms, girl-girl, anal, oral, guy-guy, handjobs, onanism, and prematures going on, I'm sure our chromosomes get really frustrated watching it happen.

Automatically Download TGP, Face the Consequences


James Bond, 069 said...

"Origin of p and q as chromosome arms: The symbol 'p' was chosen to designate the short arm because 'p' stands for 'petit', 'small' in French. The letter 'q' was selected to signify the long arm merely because 'q' is the next letter in the alphabet."

Scientists are stupid.

2:49 AM  
James Bond, 069 said...


2:50 AM  

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