I write the software for Geneffects and tend bar at the Cat's Cradle in Carrboro, NC.

Thursday, September 16, 2004

A Bartender's Guide to Getting Great Tips

By some odd twist of events you have become a bartender. Things like that happen after all. It's not like there is a shortage of bars in this country. Its not like there is a shortage of need to blot out the bad of the day and lower our inhibitions. Its not like your special. But saddle up here, tenderwillow, if you want to get the tips there are some things you need to be learning.

  • Smile.
  • Apologize if you make a mistake.
  • Joke around; get 'em to laugh.
  • Be courteous.

But all that stuff, the stuff I just said, it'll only get you mediocre tips. You'll get tipped, yeah sure, but you have to keep in mind that people would tip a Dippy Bird if one served them drinks. Those bits of advice assume that people are sane and rational and reward goodness. That is, of course as you may suspect, pure folly and not the way in which things function in all reality. This is a world where people have infiriority complexes and parent issues and an inner need to be accepted and liked and if you want to get paid the big bucks listen:

  • Be a total aloof asshole.
  • Never apologize, in all fact, criticize and guilt-trip whenever possible.
  • Act as if every request is entirely putting you out.
  • Acquire a general disdain for all of humanity.

Seriously, you'll be rolling in it. It may also help to be either strikingly handsome or tragically ugly. I am pretty sure that I am neither so I can't really vouch for one over the other, but I'd be interested to know which is more lucrative.

If you think of some more tips, you can post them if you want, but I don't really care so long as you don't bother me.


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