Geneffects: May 2005

Open Mic Comedy at the Cave

My first stab at comedy when over pretty well. Super thanks to Karen, Candace, Elizabeth, Nathan and Leigh for being there. Thanks to Mike, Adam, Beth, Heidi and Jeff for missing my set but still showing up. Crazy thanks to Billy Sugarfix for kickin' in with the snare hits and the slide whistle. For those of you who missed it, this is essentially what I said:

Hey there, I'm Brian Risk. I'd like to thank the Cave for having me. I love coming to The Cave, and I appreciate that they have Sam Adams in a bottle, but don't you think it's about time they let him out?
I also like how the Cave has nice, down-to-earth clientele; unlike some of these "hipster" bars around town. Have you seen these commercials for Hipsters Gone Wild? It's these videos of girls at OCSC saying "whatever" and then lifting their black-rimmed glasses. You know what I'm taking about, Elizabeth.
There are a lot of different diets out there, but what's with all these dyslexics on the low crab diet?
speaking of bad jokes, I used to do this thing where you'd read with a kid who was having trouble in school. He wasn't really into it so I had us read some joke books. I'd read some jokes, he'd read some jokes and we'd both guess the punchlines. It was my turn and the joke was, "What would a ghost drink for breakfast?" What would a ghost drink for breakfast? the book said, "dehydrated milk." what this 9 YO said to "what would a ghost drink for breakfast" - 9 years old: "Booze." Which I thought was really cleaver and sad at the same time.
A couple of weeks ago I had to fly to attend my sister's graduation. I was at the airport and these metal rings on my belt set off the metal detector and the security officers come over and say they're going to search me. One of the guys was pretty cool and sez "sir, you may request a private area to be searched in." So I shrugged my shoulders and said, "I guess the ass?"
So at my sisters graduation and she graduated with a degree in architecture. We walked around checking out some of her fellow students projects and one was just awful. I mean hideous. I said, "Julie, who did that one? Frank lloyd wrong"
Anyone here write music on the computer? You may have heard of that sequencing program called "Reason". My ex-girlfriend was really into making electronica except instead of using Reason she used a knock-off geared more for women like her called "Insane Bitch"
And yeah, so we ended up breaking up and one night in a fit of depression she overdoses on her medication. Fortunately all she had were suppositories.
but she's fine now. I visited her in the hospital. She held my hand and said, "Brian, I'll never do that again... because you think getting your stomach pumped is unpleasant..."
Speaking of ass pumping, did you hear planned parenthood is recommending anal sex as sort of a last resort form of contraception? Yeah, their motto is that children are an even bigger pain in the ass.
Thank you! Buy my software! Buy Evil Wiener Records!

A l;ittle crunk

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Take a Picture, It'll Last Longer

Some guy is ogling me while I do pull ups, so I yell the obligatory line about taking a picture because it would last longer. Then, almost ironically, several moments came to pass during which I wish I had a camera.

A very full moon
art picnic in the side yard
Leigh in "dead bug" pose
nose pinch

Built to Suck

It is very easy to be let down by expectations.

I hadn't heard much of Built to Spill before last year when I worked a show of theirs and was blown away. That show initiated a phase of obsession with them which got to the point that I always had a song of theirs in my head. Always. I would wake up with them in there. It got kind of ridiculous.

The show came and it was a huge let-down. In fact, I felt betrayed. Doug just looked like he was clocking in. At the end of the show Leigh guides me toward the stage and I think that she's going to say something to one of the band members. My heart fluttered a little when instead she checked out what guitar pedals they were using.

I'm sure there were similar let-downs with Star Wars. Aside from some very, very bad moments I'd say I enjoyed the movie.

Brandon and I had a very good day and made some kick-ass Fajitas.

Straight People, Get It Together!

Dan Savage has it right:

Hello, straight people? If you don't want to live in a world where you need a license from the likes of Bridget Maher to have sex, premarital or otherwise, you had better start speaking up. Most of you seem content to merely rubberneck while gay people have the shit kicked out of us, and while that's maddening, I suppose it's understandable. It's not your fight. But what explains your passivity when your own rights are being attacked?

Deleted

I just got an email that said "i deleted myself." A reboot would be good.

Sanguine

Got a chance to use the rubber gloves for a more typical purpose. Young chap was bleeding all over due to large gash on the ol' noggin. I'm in no way required to help people beaten up at my place of work, but why not dust off the Eagle Scout skills? Supplies were limited, so all I could do was alchohol swab the area, bandage one flap of skin to another, slap the kid on the back and hope that he, unlike me, has health insurance.

And when I cut myself on a broken bottle it was oddly reassuring to see nice red blood.

The Unexpected Serpent!

The snake struck at fifteen minutes after midnight, but of course by then it was already too late for the group of boy scouts!!!

...

Joshua Bratcher never wanted to be in the scouts. His dad was a scout. His grandfather was a scout. Every boy in his school was a scout! Josh even suspected that his mother wished she was a boy scout. (That's impossible.) So, you see, Josh's options seemed kind of limited. He could either spend his weekends with all of his friends hiking and camping, or he could be all so very alone in a dark room and maybe watch some TV. Yes, Josh's options were limited.

This weekend was the trip to Viper mountain. Josh's friend, Randy had been excited and planning this trip all week. It was all he ever talked about! It's like that kid didn't have anything else going on at all in his life whatsoever! Every day Josh would come into class, even before Josh had a frickin' chance to sit down he'd hear Randy shout out to him something like, "Hey, J-Diddy! You know why it's called Viper Mountain?"

"No, RanDan, I have no clue. Nor do I really have any interest at all. Please, if you care anything for me, do not tell me why it is called Viper Mountain."

"Well, you see, the legend has it that a giant meteor struck the side of the mountain killing a mother viper's entire family! The mother viper was so so so so super angry that she swore revenge on all meteors! ...But then after a few years of that not working out so well, she just decided to switch to being mad at people instead... because people are everywhere and meteors hit the mountain like once every million years and the mother viper didn't want to wait that long."

"Thanks, Randy. Thanks for tellin' me that. Now my life is frickin' complete. I feel that at this very moment I could pass away into the other life in peace now that I am in possession of this knowledge. So thank you, Randy. Thank you."

"You're welcome! Anytime! I've got all sort's of cool facts about Viper Mountain!"

Josh just sighed. He liked Randy, but oh turnips did he loath Boy Scout trips! He couldn't figure out what he h8ted more. Was it the cold, cold nights in a tent? Or the smoke from fires blowing in his face? Or was it the poorly prepared meals cooked by 11 year olds?

Then Brandon came in the room.

"What's up, Squish," Josh said to the B-meister.

"Nothin'. Are you ready for the trip?"

Josh didn't say anything back. He knew Brandon knew that Josh didn't want to go. Brandon was teasing him! Weeeeee! Brandon was a really cool kid also. Too bad a ghost snake was going to try to eat him in a couple of days.

But Brandon kills the snake. And eats it. But doesn't save the leftovers, because leftover ghost snake, after it's been refrigerated, just doesn't taste the same. Gross.

The End.

Health Insurance

So you have to fill out every damned possible thing wrong with you when applying for health insurance. I love that the ADD question is question 29. God bless America! You can buy anything! Even health insurance!

Handfull of Rocks

Today I saw some guy walking along the sidewalk bend over and gab a big handful of gravel and keep on walking. I watch him walk all the way down the sidewalk... he never did anything with the rocks. Was he going to throw them at somebody?

A local begger who goes by the name of "Polar Bear" asked if I could use my cell phone when I was done with it. I kinda wished I had sed "yes" 'cause that phone convo lasted over an hour.

Hipsters Gone Wild

It'd be great to see videos of all those cool girls with their black-framed glasses lifting them and revealing their despectacled faces. Of course, for the TV commercials they'd have to have their eyes blurred out.

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