I write the software for Geneffects and tend bar at the Cat's Cradle in Carrboro, NC.

Saturday, July 31, 2004

How are YOU finding this site?

I love how I sell software, yet the majority of the people finding my site are arriving trying to find out how to become fat.

Presented is a list of the terms on which people searched, in order of popularity, to find my site this month (July, 2004). The strings point to which section is (I would guess) most relevant to the search. Some terms... I have no clue 1) why people would be searching on such things and 2) why they would choose my site as good source of information for said things. Terms for which my site does not relate whatsoever have been removed.

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Thursday, July 29, 2004

Swan Lake

A conversation between mother and myself:

MYSELF: While we're at the OSU campus you know what I'd really like to see? Swan Lake.

MOTHER: There's no Swan Lake.

MYSELF: You're kidding


MYSELF: Gosh, I could have sworn there was.

MOTHER: I'm sorry.

MYSELF: Really? As a child I had that music box that chimed its theme and you'd always point it out to me. I could have sworn it was called Swan Lake.

MOTHER: Well, it's not. The lake you're thinking of... I don't think it has a name.

MYSELF: Are you sure?


MYSELF: Well maybe the lake I'm thinking of isn't here. Maybe I'm thinking of Tulsa.

MOTHER: Oh sure, there's a Swan Lake in Tulsa.

Dark scribbles appear over Myself's head like a frustrated Peanuts character.

Tuesday, July 27, 2004

Great Aunt Genie

Genie - great-aunt Genie - is quite a character. She has Cook blood, which, as a kid, I always heard as, "cooked blood." It made sense; and still does. This woman is a bundle of energy. She claims this is due to the vibrator she just purchased and uses every morning (back massager, we later found out), but it is difficult to imagine her less energetic and in good spirits. Not the type of person one would expect to live off of R. D. Mize Road.

We stopped at a lake where the local carp were trained to come to the docks and beg for food with round mouths that resemble unrolled condoms. Julie and I amused ourself for a good quarter of an hour dropping in the food one pellet at a time. I also enjoyed throwing the food over to the nearby floating ducks. They would get all excited thinking they were about to eat then find themselves suddenly standing on a cauldron of writhing fish.

We visited a friend of Oma's, Kate. She had an odd condition which caused her mouth to be in continual motion as if she were speaking with the mute on. My mom said, and this actually sent chills down my back, "what if she actually is saying something but it is the words of her demented alter personality?" Kate is really nice and made me want to visit the Orange County (NC) old folks homes a little more.

We visited the Kansas City Mormon temple. There was a curious version of The Last Supper which had John looking very feminine. Genie was explaining Mormonism and, like a jerk, I asked whatever happened to those gold plates.

Monday, July 26, 2004

Graffiti <-- Is Gay

The ticket window is one of the most boring places to work at the Cradle. Your world is confined to a three by four cube and you are supposed to live like that for several hours. After a while you feel sympathetic to the plight of veal. David Blaine attempted such a feat but within an hour was pounding on the walls screaming bloody terror. To keep some semblance of sanity you find ways to occupy your mind. You pass the hours doodling or reading or looking on with contempt as the video store parking lot guy marks cars for towing. "Son of a bitch... he gets to be outside." Sometimes you graffiti up the walls. It is here that a true art emerges. It is a thoughtful process as you have nothing else to do but think of clever things, and above all (and most interestingly) it is collaborative. No graffiti is impervious to the defacement and alteration of future ticket window shifters. "Brian + Ann" so very easily transforms to "Brian + Ann are gay". Nothing is too sacred to touch. The philosophical "reality is a myth" now has a line pointing at it declaring "I am a douche". A simple "Fresh" is, by way of several updates, "Funky Fresh Fish Feet". Even the relatively anthemic "rock hard" is not spared - becoming "I love rock hard penis".

One particular bit of graffiti has grown impressively over the years. It started simply as "I hate metalheads, deadheads, lemonheads". Then it began to grow. Today the list runs down the wall. It makes one notice the prevalence of the relatively new suffix "head." For posterity, here are the rest: potheads, parrotheads, buttheads, jarheads, crackheads, not to eggheads giving head, knuckleheads, motorheads, dickheads, shitheads, fuckheads, screwheads, blackheads, whiteheads, duckheads, meatheads, parkinglotsecurityheads, sleepyheads, portisheads, machineheads, bedheads, boneheads, spearheads, baseheads, fatheads, airheads, talkingheads, pinheads, cheeseheads, hammerheads, onionheads, carrotheads, chickenheads, phishheads, redheads.

In other news, Kemps car was given "the yellow racing stripe" by some inebriated punker.

Monday, July 12, 2004

Stories from the 70's

When you were about three, we took you in to get allergy tests. That's where they inject different allergens all up and down your arm to see how you react to them. I don't know where you heard this word, but you used it in the proper context and conjugation. When the doctor came to you with the needle you said, "get that fucking needle away from me!"

The flight to the West

A few interesting sights on the trip: A sign posted in the security check line reading, "you may request a private area in which to be searched." When the metal rings in my belt set off the alarm for the metal detectors I said to the attendant, "the ass, please." The sight of a woman who has to fly first class so that her body can spread out on the seat like a pancake. A field of albino popcorn shrimp which, I was later told, happened to be clouds.


My cousin, organizer of the affair gave a rallying speech claiming the hardest part is choosing where to set the event. I'd say the hardest part is staying sober through the whole affair. She gave this eulogy to the warbling call of hearing aid feed back. I saw old photos of a pretty young girl and looked up to see that in present day she had become a diesel lesbian. Another showed my cousin as a fragrant homosexual - tight, navel showing shirt with daisy dukes. He's presently working on his fifth wife. The bleached girlfriend he brought to the reunion must have had F cups.

Wednesday, July 07, 2004

New York 4, 5, 6 - Fourth of July

Fourth of July: Avery described me as his "basic dad." He even used the finger flexions to denote the quotation marks.

I said, "Avery, you can call me whatever you want."

He said, "how about Chet Nucklechest?"
Avery saw a video of Jake today. It is the first time that he has ever seen him in anything other than a photograph. Wouldn't you know it, the camera zooms in just as the late then-adolescent father-to-be lights up a cigarette and takes a long, satisfying drag. I think we could trace any future smoking habits Avery may develop back to that moment.

From time to time we build our own personal bombs out of secrets and grow them silence. Due to rain there were no fireworks today, but I dropped my own personal bomb.

Fifth of July: Enjoyed the fireworks by the lake of some unpronounceable town.

Sixth: Began the voyage home. Valve acting up.

New York 3 - first full day

It's funny to hear generation VII talk. Just the things that come out of their mouth - priceless. We were watching Jeopardy and the final question was something along the lines of "this athlete has the middle name of 'Roosevelt', the president who died (some number) months before he was born." Those Gen-VII-ers guessed and guessed, but were flummoxed when "who was Jackie Robinson" was the correct answer. "Well, I didn't know they were including coloreds in this category!" Spiderman was friggin' awesome.

New York 2 - The trip, final leg

Last night was - easy - one of the top ten storms I have had to weather while camping. Inside the tent was thankfully a fairly dry haven from the outside world, and it provided an erie arena in which to watch the elements. Lightning every second. One burst so bright and immediately loud that it must have been within a 20 yards of us. What do you do in a situation like that? Sure, you're not the tallest thing around, but there are trees pretty close to you and the ground is sopping wet. If lightning had struck a tree in our proximity, I think we would have been burnt toast.

Immediately upon arrival, Avery's great-grandmother begins telling us her life story. Details which are normally subjugated and tucked in closets were spilled on the table like Snowden's secret minutes after our meeting. I had heard that she had had her first husband declared legally dead after he "went fishing" and never returned to collect his insurance money, but bit my tongue. Not so much as it seemed taboo (because it was immediately apparent nothing was), but more I didn't want to spoil her chance to tell it.

New York 1 - The trip up

Though, after some research, I found blood in the stool was probably not caused by binge drinking but rather more serious problems ("Anal sex injury" being one, and believe you me, I thought long and hard to remember if there were any moments of lost time), I decided to undertake the first leg of the trip to New York. An hour outside of DC and I was not feeling good. My poops was good that morning, but abdominal pains increased throughout the day. Finally, around 5PM, after continual thoughts of turning the car right around and ruining it for everyone, the pain suddenly started going away. I feel pretty good now, but am pissed off at my present situation - a situation shared by the majority of the world - lack of good health care.

Traffic was pretty abysmal from people getting a head start on the weekend of the Fourth. We decided to take 395 through DC and then 1 when took us even deeper into DC. Seeing the sights was great, but the party ended pretty quickly when what we thought was highway 1 suddenly came to an end and we had to choose between right or left.

Several hours later we arrive at the campsite. Avery an I play with a light stick. The lightning bugs, perhaps out of a feeling of competition with out stick, formed a gossamer sheet on the canopy. The moon was full and the color of an aged nectarine.



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