Wednesday, September 22, 2004
Monday, September 20, 2004
Thinking Bush - A full day
Today I have:
I may go see STS9, but who knows. I may decide to stay fresh for
George Clinton and... uh.. that other job I have.
Update: As it turns out, I just got drunk with Nate and moved a couch to our house.
Friday, September 17, 2004
Edwin McCain V. Football
A fine encapsulating moment for the night: There is a room full of
gawking teenagers fawning over Edwin McCain in the front of the room.
In the back there is a huddling cluster of adults saucer-eyed at the
Florida/Tennessee Game. The score is 28 Fl, 27 TN. There are a lot of
tense Tennessee fans in the room. Response to Edwin has been pretty
tepid the whole night. It is, after all, not 1996. Applause has been
sparse and "whoots" have been scattered. Out of nowhere Tennessee
scores a winning 3 points at the very moment Edwin starts that
"convenience of my solitude" song. The crowd goes apeshit with
applause and cheers. "Thank you very much," says Edwin.
Thursday, September 16, 2004
Geneffects customers span the globe. As a public service to my readers
I will be providing intermittent Missed Connections web log entries.
Please post additional missed connections in the comments section.
Where: Airport Baggage Claim
You: cute blond w/ state sweater, grey carry-on and red suitcase.
Me: handsome hunk, black duffle bag, wife and kids.
Message: Let's get together but forget our baggage this time.
You: Emperor Penguin.
Me: Emperor Penguin.
Message: I could immediately tell you were special but was hindered by
an egg between my feet.
Where: Ol' Shifty's Truck-n-Go, Exit 85
Me: 200# black man that gave you "the best time of [your] life."
You: Senator Rick Santorum
Message: Our genitals met briefly but I felt there was a real
connection. Was too shy to ask you out. Coffee?
Where: Saline solution
You: Positive ion.
Me: Negative ion.
Message: I felt a real attractive force. Let's share our valence!
Where: Outside the waiting room.
Me: de-mapped housewife
Message: I can't do it by myself.
Where: Major City, USA
Me: Traveling salesman.
You: N-node weighted graph.
Message: Is this relationship intractable?
Monday, September 13, 2004
A Bartender's Guide to Getting Great Tips
By some odd twist of events you have become a bartender. Things like that happen after all. It's not like there is a shortage of bars in this country. Its not like there is a shortage of need to blot out the bad of the day and lower our inhibitions. Its not like your special. But saddle up here, tenderwillow, if you want to get the tips there are some things you need to be learning.
- Apologize if you make a mistake.
- Joke around; get 'em to laugh.
- Be courteous.
But all that stuff, the stuff I just said, it'll only get you mediocre tips. You'll get tipped, yeah sure, but you have to keep in mind that people would tip a Dippy Bird if one served them drinks. Those bits of advice assume that people are sane and rational and reward goodness. That is, of course as you may suspect, pure folly and not the way in which things function in all reality. This is a world where people have infiriority complexes and parent issues and an inner need to be accepted and liked and if you want to get paid the big bucks listen:
- Be a total aloof asshole.
- Never apologize, in all fact, criticize and guilt-trip whenever possible.
- Act as if every request is entirely putting you out.
- Acquire a general disdain for all of humanity.
Seriously, you'll be rolling in it. It may also help to be either strikingly handsome or tragically ugly. I am pretty sure that I am neither so I can't really vouch for one over the other, but I'd be interested to know which is more lucrative.
If you think of some more tips, you can post them if you want, but I don't really care so long as you don't bother me.
Thursday, September 09, 2004
Chet very nearly squished a little girl today. Avery threw the Aerobe
at him and he dodge-jumped off the apparatus and on his trip to the
ground he sees a little two year old girl is running directly into his
path. Kind of a weird time-slows-down kind of moment. He contorts so
that he lands right in front of her and I mean right fucking smack in
front of her. He didn't touch her, but this whole
one-hundred-seventy-pound-man-out-of-fucking-nowhere thing kind of
surprises her and so like a little baby she starts crying. "Oh,
Jesus!" says her dad who is watching a few feet away and comes running
over and grabs her up. At this point Chet suggests to Avery that they
leave as gracefully as possible.
I was at this high school production of Sweeney Todd and the kids and
or the wishing-to-be-innovative-drama-teacher kind of spiced up the
show with a few nuances of their own. One such innovation was they
encouraged the crowd to "boo" whenever Sweeney Todd did something evil.
So the first few examples of evil were pretty obvious and the whole
audience "boo"-ed and in general the audience patted themselves on the
back for doing so well. Then the play continued and then there was
this part where an urchin was trying to make a meager living by selling
newspapers and Sweeney Todd walks up and just grabs one from her!
"Oh, boo!" I shout.
But I was the only one in the entire audience who felt that act was
evil enough to warrant a "boo." Suddenly there is a rift of silence as
the entire cast of the play stops dead and the attention of the room is
focused in my general direction. At this point I and a few people to
my left begin one of those convulsing and painful fits of silent
laughter. We are doubled over with tears streaming. The play resumes
but we cannot stop this aphonic fit. Just when I start to get it under
control I look at them laughing and start right back up again and the
same happens to them as well. This feedback loop continues for like
Friday, September 03, 2004
Fifth Base at Carrburritos
So and like
out tonight and the girl I was with, no matter where we went, would
always ask if I was going to rape her at that particular location.
We've got our food (her: tostadaritoladas; me: two Negra Othellos and a
saucer of jalapenos) and are presently searching for a seat and she's
like, "and so are you going to rape me here? How about at this table?"
Oh, and did I mention that I am an industrial logging corporation and she
is in all reality a redwood forest? Yeah so I guess it's not that
weird after all. But if you ask me all them redwoods are really just
asking for it. Begging for it really. If they wouldn't look so
tempting and profitable, we the behemoth logging companies wouldn't do
it. I mean heck, you don't see us raping pine forests!! Okay well yes
we do okay yes.
Wednesday, September 01, 2004
So You Want to Be a Male Nude Model?
Hombre: Low on cash? Free daytime hours? No sense of shame? Perhaps
the exciting and fruitful career of nude modeling is for you!
"Shucks, I can sit still for minutes at a time! This'll be no sweat."
Not so fast there, tenderwillow. Though the position may sound easy,
there are eight (8) basic points you need to remember:
Keep the poses simple - You may envision yourself as some sort of
well toned Michelangelo sculpture with arms outstretched to the
heavens, but keep in mind that you have to hold that angelic pose
perfectly still for five (5) to twenty (20) minutes at a time. Think
less of "The Genius of Victory" and more of "Man Stands Straight with
Arms Crossed and Stares at Wall."
Bring a towel or robe - If not, then your only option is to
undress in front of the class. (Arriving nude is not allowed.)
Suddenly a rote study of form becomes a lascivious strip-tease.
Remember common courtesies - Avoid eye-contact when in a pose.
These people have to study your every feature and it would be kind of
creepy if every time they looked up you were glaring at them. Avoid
jokes. Though you will think of them...a lot of them, they are best
unspoken. Avoid thinking of Will Ferrell as you will, in the middle of
grave silence save slight scratching of charcoal on paper, burst out
laughing for apparently no reason.
You can always refuse a requested pose - If you are, for any
reason, uncomfortable with a pose that has been requested, a simple,
"how about something else?" will usually diffuse the situation. "Bend
over this pillow," may very well yield an interesting figure form, but
to hell with that!
You command respect - If ever some frat boy or girl is getting
on your nerves, shoot them a look or, better, tell them to please be
quiet. When you are naked you are intimidating and people will listen
to you. If you have to fart, just do it. No one will dare to
challenge your naked authority.
You will not be in "top form" - It's like crossing a very high
bridge. Stay focused, but for God's sake, don't look down! Any
premonitory fear you may have about a sudden hard-on can be safely put
to rest because, brother, no matter what the temperature is, your
genitals will never be smaller.
You have probably met these people before - It is entirely
possible that, upon entering the class, someone will look familiar to
you. Well into the session you are in a pose with your Tom Robbins
pointed right at this guy; the teacher calls roll and you recognize his
name as that asshole who rode your bus in junior high and who liked to
call you a faggot. The most mature way to handle this is, when he
looks up, lick your lips.
You will probably meet these people again - You may not
recognize them at first (see "common courtesies"), but they've devoted
hours to studying your every feature and will spot you immediately. It
will happen sooner than you think. That very same day, for example,
when you are trying to serve drinks at the Who's Bad show, for
example. Don't be alarmed when some girl named Beth blushingly asks if
you were the model for her life drawing class. The most mature way to
handle this is to say, "yes it was me," and politely mention that if
she wants a private session your rate is twenty (20) dollars an hour.